The Last Time

       

 Today was the last time. Back when Cale and I first started dating, I was never having kids...and he used to joke ( I think) that I was a nice queen. I wasn't affectionate, and I never cried. While I think the thaw started before Jake, the plan to nurse him was logical, and economical, not emotional at all. I just thought, my body makes his sustenance, if I could help it, why would I pay for it to come from another source? I wonder where this mindset was this morning when I cried when he finished, smiled at me and said " ah dun"? Because all I could do was bawl my eyes out and hold him.

          Don't get me wrong  part of me is dancing a jig. Breastfeeding was a struggle for me in the beginning, it took 7 weeks for Jake to latch and 8 for him to do it without hurting me. The struggle of trying to always be somewhere private to feed (if you can haul out a boob and go, good on you, I can't). The pumping, the supply issues, that in the night only I could feed him. These are all things, I won't miss.

          This morning all I could think of was the way he looks up at me, or reaches out his hand, or grabs my finger. More recently how he high gives me and when I tell him good job he smiles. Or that last pop off with the "ah dun". Those are the things that went through my head as the tears poured out. It's not our first chapter to end, it's not the first I cried for and it won't be the last...like on either account. Somehow this one hits a little harder and I might do another post or two on the subject.

           K, Luv Ya, Bye
           Nancy