I'm almost Older than my Mom

         

I'm turning 32 in 5 days, and when I turn 32, I will OFFICIALLY be older than my mother. She died at 31 years old. For years people have told me, "That's so young" and it's hitting me harder than ever this year, and today in particular, because she passed away 27 years ago to the day. 

          I was almost 5 when my mom passed, but there are things I remember about her. I do remember her voice oddly enough, I remember some things we did together and getting in trouble. I remember the day she passed, how dad told me, where I was, and how tight the hug was when I started to cry. 

         As I said this year it hits me harder, not just because I will be older than my mom, but because I became a mom this year. My heart aches for the pain she must have felt in the end, and I'm not talking about the cancer. I mean knowing what she would miss with Peter and I. I looked at it selfishly for years. My Mom missed my Birthday, my prom, my Wedding...but my Mom SO wanted to be there, and my heart aches for her now. On top of EVERYTHING she was going through, she was having to say goodbye to us. I see pictures of her with me, and the love she had, and I get it now. I hope I'm giving the same thing to Jake. 

         I've shed so many tears over the years for my Mom, I'm not crying now, I'm aching for her. 27 years, that's a lot she missed.

       -Nancy